Penny for your thoughts

The feeling of being dirty never goes away. In my mind all i can feel is the disgusting essence that touched my skin.
The feeling that something foul somehow crawled its way inside you, died, and is now slowly rotting away inside you, this feeling never leaves my mind.

At night I can still see your eyes, feel your foul breath gush across my face. I can feel you... you creature, I can still feel your hands holding mine down... feel them tying them down.... I can still feel the rope burning my skin, as I struggled for my freedom.

I never use to be like this. Distraught, alone, on the verge of suicide.
I had family, I had friends and I had my whole life ahead of me.
How quickly things change.

I was never one to go out clubbing till all hours of the night, i was always home before dark in fact. Now I don't leave my house at all. I don't leave my room. I'm safe here.

I didn't belong to any groups anymore.... I couldn't even look into the mirror without seeing his eyes, his face behind me... haunting me, coming for me.

"you remind me of my daughter.... She was a screamer too!"
This sick sentence made my stomach turn, made it toss, made it keel over and then die.

I could feel his hands slowly cores parts of my body; I cringed. As I lay there, tied to an old rusted bed, in the middle of a rank smelling room, he watched me from the corner of the room.... sitting in his rocking chair never taking his eyes off me. He sat and watched me struggle for my life, struggled to loosen the ropes that held me down, held me captive.

Each time I gave up the endless struggle, I would look over to him, he would stare back, his eyes glistening with joy. He would look back at me and slowly a smile would stretch across his sick face, then he would stand up.

I knew what was coming, it had been the same for three days.
With each step that he took, that brought him closer and closer to me my body cringed, shivered and wept.
I stared at the sealing as the sound of his belt buckle hitting the floor, pierced my ear drums, and made my eyes water.
I could feel my tears run down my face.
He licked my cheek... moaning as his wet tongue slid slowly across my face.
The rusty bed springs started to buckle as he climbed on top of me.

I can feel you....

How could I ever belong anywhere after I had let this happen?
I was dirty, sick, who could accept me, if i couldn't?

There was nothing else for me to lose, nothing for me to love, to live for.

There is only one balance that need be worried about now.... The balance of the cranks, turning evenly, slowly lowering my coffin into the dirt.
I never got rid of that dirty feeling.